


You Never Said

by dametokillfor



Series: Things You Said [5]
Category: Kingsman: The Secret Service (2015)
Genre: Gen, Grief/Mourning, M/M, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-03-04
Updated: 2015-03-04
Packaged: 2018-03-16 07:49:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,020
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3480194
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dametokillfor/pseuds/dametokillfor
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Harry and Merlin share a drink in Lancelot's honour, and Merlin shares some important information with Harry.</p>
            </blockquote>





	You Never Said

**Author's Note:**

> I saw a little writing meme on [Tumblr](http://xfactorera.tumblr.com/post/110395333021/send-me-a-ship-and-one-of-these-and-ill-write-a) about 'things you said...' and I decided rather than asking for requests in my ask, I'd just write little ficlets for each of them in various pairings, and various fandoms. They're unlikely to be connected, so do jump about and find the ones that interest you! :)
> 
> For the fifth one 'things you didn't say at all'.
> 
> I see this as taking place in Kingsman HQ, before Merlin goes and drowns the new recruits.

"He knew, you know." 

Harry looks across from the chair he's sat in, across to where Merlin is pouring them both another drink. He knows exactly what the other man is talking about. There's only one thing he could mean. Still...

"What did who know?" Harry asks, feigning ignorance. He relaxes back in his chair, trying for all the world to look like his entire body didn't just tense up at those words. He's been working in the spy game over 25 years, but nothing terrifies him more than the his own feelings.

"Don't be daft, Harry, doesn't suit you." Merlin chides.

He walks back to Harry, passes him one of the glasses and takes a seat in the chair opposite him, "Lancelot... _James_ knew you were in love with him." 

"James thought most people were in love with him." Harry mutters into his glass, "Most women were."

"If you're going to be an arse about this, Harry, I'm not going to help."

"How is this helping? What am I supposed to do with this information?" Harry snaps, "Is he a _fucking_ Disney princess? Is true love's kiss going to bring him back to life?" 

"Forgive me for thinking you'd appreciate knowing the man you were in love with for seventeen years knew how you felt, and didn't hate you for it." Merlin snaps back, "I thought you might appreciate some closure on the situation. "

Harry stays silent, brooding over his drink. He wants to bolt, doesn't want to talk about this, but he also has no desire to be by himself. 

Merlin presses on, "It was about four years after he was first recruited. You'd both been sent to look after that actress, the one whose husband was selling weapons to terror groups."

Harry knows exactly where this is going, zones out as Merlin is telling him what James told him.

Harry doesn't remember a great deal of the mission itself, but he remembers walking in on James and the young starlet in bed together. He exploded at James, yelled at him for putting the mission in jeopardy. James had laughed it off, insisting everything was fine, why were they trained in the art of seduction if they weren't meant to use it? He'd got important information, Harry should have been grateful. Hadn't he ever taken advantage of the training?

He'd been so flippant, and Harry had been so angry.

"He suggested we go back to the room together and give her a real thrill," he continues outloud, "So I hit him. I told him I thought he was disgusting, that she was a person, not a piece of meat." 

"And you barely spoke to him the rest of the mission. He thought you hated him."

"I did." Harry adds, taking a sip from his glass, "I hated him, I hated myself for getting attached, for being a moment away from taking him up on his offer because it'd have been the closest I'd have got to him."

"You'd never have done it." Merlin assures him.

"I'm not as noble as you think, Merlin." Harry says, with a smirk, "When he asked me how he could make it up to me, I had a few less than savoury ideas." 

Merlin can't help but chuckle at that, "A man you're obsessed with, trained in sexual gratification, desperate to stop you being mad at him. I'm not surprised."

Harry is surprised by the small laugh that bubbles up.

"He came to talk to me when you got back. He explained what had happened, had said you'd acted less like a disappointed mentor and more like a jilted lover. He just came out with it, asked me 'Merlin, does Harry fancy me?'" Merlin laughs, "I'm sorry, Harry, I laughed in his face. Told him it was about bloody time he'd cottoned on.

"He just smiled. I'll never forget that smile, I got why you were so far gone for him. He just smiled and told me that suddenly everything made sense."

"He changed after that mission." Harry notes.

"For you." Merlin tells him, "Because of how much you cared about him. He once told me that he wished he could give you what you wanted, because you were the greatest person he knew, and he would have killed to make you happy. In the end, he figured the best he could do was be someone worthy of your misplaced adoration."

Harry can feel the tears pricking at the back of his eyes. The sensation is strange, there's few people he cares about enough to shed tears for their loss. He's certain that the only one left now is sat in the room with him.

"I know you wish you'd told him, because you're a bloody masochist, and he deserved to hear it from you, but he knew, Harry." Merlin tells him, "He knew, and he was better because of it."

That's what sets the tears flowing. The glass drops from Harry's hand, hits the carpeted floor and rolls away. Harry drops his head to his hands, as sobs wrack his body, unholy noises coming from deep in his chest. The grief is crippling, it feels like it's crushing him. He's vaguely aware of Merlin's hands on his shoulders, of the other man telling him that it's okay, but how can it be? The love of his damn life is gone, and though they never even touched, though it was unrequited, how will things ever be okay again?

He doesn't know how long he's been crying when the tears finally stop. His whole body aches, even breathing hurts. He's exhausted, he just wants to sleep. He wipes at his eyes again, before forcing himself to sit up properly.

Merlin offers him a small smile, "Are you going to be okay?"

Harry nods, "For tonight. Tomorrow, next week, I don't know, but tonight, I'll be fine."

He pushes himself to his feet, his legs are shaking. He walks across to the door of the small drawing room, before turning back to the tech, "Thank you, Merlin."

Merlin just nods, tips his glass to Harry.

**Author's Note:**

> RIGHT, EXTENSIVE NOTES.
> 
> Due to where this takes place in the film, Harry doesn't count Eggsy as one of the people he'd grieve as yet, as he doesn't know him properly yet. Had this been a little later, he'd definitely have been on that list as well. 
> 
> James' backstory was completely fabricated by me. With him as a reference to James Bond, so I had to play with some Bond-esque ideas. I do have a full backstory for him, which I may go into at a later date if there's any interest in the character. 
> 
> The fact the Kingsman are trained in the art of the sexual gratification is from original comic. 
> 
> Come join me on [Tumblr](http://damnstevens.tumblr.com), where we shall squee over all the things.


End file.
